Way to go Skittles for being accepting of alternate bear lifestyles! Now if only a certain Bearepulican presidential nominee would show the same acceptance...
Monday, October 15, 2012
A Round of Applause to Skittles
Way to go Skittles for being accepting of alternate bear lifestyles! Now if only a certain Bearepulican presidential nominee would show the same acceptance...
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
A Plea for Concern
It's been a while beariends since we've talked about anything. It's easy to get distracted in life with work and money and loose sight of the things that really matter in life: bears.
Fellow bear lovers, we have a lot to worry about these days. Our majestic furry bear friends face dangers today they never had to face during the famous Bearmpire years when bears built beautiful cities around the world 32,000 to 14,000 years ago. Climate change is destroying the habitat of the powerful northern polar bears. Deforestation is restricting the roaming grounds of the majestic western North American brown bears. Cute panda bears don't want to screw in zoos. And I'm pretty sure those sun bears in southeast asia are getting into smoking crack. All bear species seem to be dwindling. All except the ridiculous prolific and successful black bear of North America. But bear enthusiast Mike Waud (thanks for your bearigilance, Mike!) has recently alerted me to a far more sinister danger on the horizon for black bears, one sneaking below the radar of bear authorities: Bearcoholism.
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/family-four-bears-breaks-cabin-drink-100-beers-181034427.html
This is by no means the first case recorded of bears rough-housing due to their need for a good buzz. Incidents as far back as 1873 have been recorded. The first incident on record (from the newspaper the Pennsylvania Bamboozler Sentinel, April 23 1873) records an incident when local farmer Wilbur Jehosephat MacBlargy found a stash of a bear's whiskey in a hollow in a tree near his farm. The elated farmer took the spirits back to his wife as a Valentine's day gift hoping to get lucky. Results were brutal and hilarious:
That is a bear who likes his whiskey. Bearcoholism has gone widely unreported for decades, being disregarded as a healthy form of the bears blowing off steam from the stressful eating and mauling of their 9 to 5. The few bearcoholism studies done have been more market research oriented than preventative, such as the often hushed study done by US Fish and Wildlife, finding teenage bears prefer local brews to mass produced Busch.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/5756809/ns/us_news-weird_news/t/bear-downs-beers-passes-out-campground/
No one likes Busch. I needed no study fueled by a fat ol' slice of Uncle Sam's budget to tell me this. Instead, I decided to do my own research armed with tequila, a search engine, and little regard for internet copyright laws. The information I found made me queasy with the depth and long reaching effects of bearcoholism, so I present you with the short list so we may all be queasy together. Prepare to place your hands on your face lest your eyes pop out of your skull in disbelief:
I know you are all furious as I am at society's blind eye to this problem. The course is clear. If you love your bear friends, and want them to drink only in responsible manners with a proper designated hibernator, then write to your congressman today. DEMAND a grant of at least 2.4 million dollars to be given to William Burns to conduct proper research and rehabilitation of our bear friends.
Fellow bear lovers, we have a lot to worry about these days. Our majestic furry bear friends face dangers today they never had to face during the famous Bearmpire years when bears built beautiful cities around the world 32,000 to 14,000 years ago. Climate change is destroying the habitat of the powerful northern polar bears. Deforestation is restricting the roaming grounds of the majestic western North American brown bears. Cute panda bears don't want to screw in zoos. And I'm pretty sure those sun bears in southeast asia are getting into smoking crack. All bear species seem to be dwindling. All except the ridiculous prolific and successful black bear of North America. But bear enthusiast Mike Waud (thanks for your bearigilance, Mike!) has recently alerted me to a far more sinister danger on the horizon for black bears, one sneaking below the radar of bear authorities: Bearcoholism.
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/family-four-bears-breaks-cabin-drink-100-beers-181034427.html
This is by no means the first case recorded of bears rough-housing due to their need for a good buzz. Incidents as far back as 1873 have been recorded. The first incident on record (from the newspaper the Pennsylvania Bamboozler Sentinel, April 23 1873) records an incident when local farmer Wilbur Jehosephat MacBlargy found a stash of a bear's whiskey in a hollow in a tree near his farm. The elated farmer took the spirits back to his wife as a Valentine's day gift hoping to get lucky. Results were brutal and hilarious:
That is a bear who likes his whiskey. Bearcoholism has gone widely unreported for decades, being disregarded as a healthy form of the bears blowing off steam from the stressful eating and mauling of their 9 to 5. The few bearcoholism studies done have been more market research oriented than preventative, such as the often hushed study done by US Fish and Wildlife, finding teenage bears prefer local brews to mass produced Busch.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/5756809/ns/us_news-weird_news/t/bear-downs-beers-passes-out-campground/
No one likes Busch. I needed no study fueled by a fat ol' slice of Uncle Sam's budget to tell me this. Instead, I decided to do my own research armed with tequila, a search engine, and little regard for internet copyright laws. The information I found made me queasy with the depth and long reaching effects of bearcoholism, so I present you with the short list so we may all be queasy together. Prepare to place your hands on your face lest your eyes pop out of your skull in disbelief:
 |
| Passing out in public places... |
 |
| Drunk calling ex-bearfriends... |
 |
| Getting sloppy with Kid from Kid 'n Play (during his lipstick years), an angry Melissa Etheridge, and French Afropean band Les Nubians... |
 |
| Hibernating preemptively... |
 |
| Underage drinking... |
 | |||||||||
| Watching daytime tv instead of getting a job... |
I know you are all furious as I am at society's blind eye to this problem. The course is clear. If you love your bear friends, and want them to drink only in responsible manners with a proper designated hibernator, then write to your congressman today. DEMAND a grant of at least 2.4 million dollars to be given to William Burns to conduct proper research and rehabilitation of our bear friends.
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